In a previous blog, we talked about the importance of bringing family dinner back to the table.
If you missed that one, go back and read our top 5 reasons.
Not only will your kids reap the emotional and social benefits of regular family mealtimes, but they’ll also learn that the dinner time slot is consistent.
As they grow up, they’ll know that dinner is a sacred time, saved for family togetherness.
Once they enter the tween and teen stage, that time will be important in a new way.
Let’s be honest. It’s not going to be easy.
Teens have a special way of insulting their parents.
The best (worst?) part is, it can be with just a look.
Often filled with disdain. Maybe a special dose of eye roll or an arched eyebrow. A personal favorite is the “I can’t believe you just said that; you’re so embarrassing” look.
But. There’s a lot going on inside those brains.
And it’s our job as parents to pry it out, even if it’s bit by bit.
Keeping kids open to talking as they age
As kids become tweens and teens, they enter the stage of development that starts to prepare them to become their own person.
In case this hasn’t happened to you (yet), they like to challenge why they should do things, why parents get to decide, and much more.
It’s all part of their exploration of how to see themselves as separate beings from their parents.
They might become more withdrawn. Many of the questions they’re asking about the self are big feelings. Hormones also flood the body during puberty, which can be shocking, uncomfortable and awkward.
Some kids keep an open personality as they grow up — talking often with their family or parents about the teen drama that bothers them. Some are very open to talking about what happened during the day.
Others might enter more of a “teen angst” stage.
You know the one.
Where parents are idiots, teenagers know everything, and eye rolls and silence are common?
You might get a lot of one-word answers here.
But if you’ve set the tone early to be a family that spends time together, especially for dinner, then your tweens and teens will already know to count on regular dinner times and expected conversation.
Sometimes people give up on conversation with teens too easily. They do have important things to say. They’re often very passionate about a hobby or topic, and if you ask the right questions, they have a lot to say about it.
Research examining 5,000 teenagers has shown that when children eat with their parents regularly, they are more likely to be emotionally strong and have better mental health. Teens who ate regular family meals were also more likely to be adjusted, and have good manners and communication skills.
Letting them know that dinner will always be a time where they are heard is important.
Just be prepared to keep a thick skin. Don’t let those teen looks get you down.
We soldier on.
Tomorrow’s a new day to annoy them with our very existence. Just breathing can annoy a teen.
These are actual experiences. You might get lucky and not go through this. If that’s you, more power to you. Share your secrets in the comments below, please.
Asking the right type of questions
Set the tone for your family meals with some simple ground rules. A few ideas include:
Don’t interrupt someone who is talking.
No bad language.
Respect what someone else says.
Shut off all devices (phones, tablets, TV, radio).
When you’re talking with tweens and teens, make sure your questions are open-ended. Don’t ask anything that can be answered with a simple yes, no or fine.
Instead of asking, “How was your day?” try something like, “What was your favorite part of your day?” Keeping the question open allows you to ask follow-up questions and doesn’t allow a teen to shut down the conversation with one word.
Another idea is to have a printed set of questions that are conversation starters. It takes the pressure off parents to come up with great questions when you have a stack all ready to go.
Even if you have a tween or a teen who comes at you with those typical behaviors — don't give up.
We promise, you can wear them down.
Pro tip: Find that connection. I promise it will feel good for both of you.
Sometimes I even pretend to care about fantasy football to get my 11-year-old son to talk. (Spoiler alert: I do not care. Not even a tiny percentage. I do not have room in my brain for stats and projections.)
We’re giving away a cool tool for family dinners: a set of conversation cards to spark those new conversations around the table. Enter our giveaway here!